Monkey and Poetry Convergence: Mötley Crüe edition

I have a weakness for hair metal. So I guess it was inevitable that I would eventually read Mötley Crüe's band autobiography The Dirt. Hearing Charles Bock describe it as his Guilty Pleasure on NPR is what motivated me to finally read it.

And it is a good book. Very entertaining. But man are these guys assholes. Not like I expected them to be saints, but wow. It's a wonder they aren't all in jail or dead.

In any case, the book does provide yet another unlikely monkey/poetry convergence.

Nikki Sixx describes his step-father: "He stood up, naked and hairy, and beaded with water like an ape caught in a hailstorm, and smashed his fist into the side of my head, knocking me to the ground" (p. 12). I should mention that the step-dad had been in the tub. And he punched Nikki because he was brushing his teeth the wrong way, which is pretty much what all the parenting books say is the thing to do to teach correct dental hygiene.

Tommy Lee describes getting ready for his first date with Heather Locklear: "I felt like a fucking trained monkey in my stiff white button-down shirt and black pants" (p. 160).

Mick Mars reminisces about high school: "In English, our teacher, Mr. Hickock, wanted us to write an essay on a poem. All the other kids wrote about Robert Frost and Ralph Waldo Emerson, but I came in with "Pressed Rat and Warthog" by Cream. When Mr. Hickock returned the papers he had written on mine: 'F -- which is a big understatement'" (p. 177). Mick, by the way, is clearly the most intelligent person in the group and the only one who seems to think about things outside of his own life, even if those things do tend to be kind of conspiracy-theory nutty (the sinking of the Titanic being done intentionally by the government is one example).

Vince Neil recalls punching a jock in the face in high school: "He hit the ground like an ape shot out of a tree, cracking his head on the floor" (p. 290). He also writes that this jock used to "file his nails and teeth into claws and fangs to terrorize underclassmen." WTF? I have never heard of someone filing their teeth and it makes my mouth hurt to think about it.

Tommy Lee writes love poems to Pamela Anderson while in prison:
"During those long-ass weeks, I worked on songs for what I decided would be a solo project, read parenting magazines and self-help books, and learned to write poetry, mostly about Pamela" (p. 394).

Sample of said poetry: "Well, if my heart must break / Dear love, for your sake / It will break in music, I know / Poets' hearts break so" (p. 383).