"I didn't evolve from you..."

I stumbled upon this clip while searching for old Victoria Jackson skits. Jan Hooks+monkey=awesome.

"Y'all took the wrong evolutionary branch for real."

Tell 'em, little monkey. Tell 'em.

Walking upright is the first step in the gorilla world domination plan

They're going to take over now. You know that, right?

Best TV news host commentary ever, by the way. Way to go, guys. Keep it real.

Facebook of yore

Facebook of yore. God doesn't like this.

The nicer the baboon the longer the life

Whether or not you believe in evolution, it pays to not be a dick.

Thanks, Laura, for the tip.

Kid finds man-like/ape-like fossil in South Africa

"The species ... strode upright on long legs, with human-shaped hips and pelvis, but still climbed through trees on apelike arms."

Further proof of Evolution, or a hoax propagated by a godless 9-year-old?

Gorillas have a good sense of humor

But do they have theory of mind? U.K. researches say yes.

Here's the best part:

The typical gorilla sense of humour, [zoo keeper Iona] Stewart says, is Schadenfreude. One gorilla she knew would poke a stick at strangers then look the other way. "If they could whistle, they'd be whistling, but they're not quite clever enough to get away with it."

"I am not related to apes"

In which a child raves about Evolution from the pulpit of some kind of Spanish mega-church. Either that or he's the opening act for a Juanes concert.

Most eye opening point he makes: "A male ape and a female ape can only have little apes up to this day." Meaning, I think -- and I am not a scientist like this young man -- a male ape and a male ape and/or a female ape and a female ape can have only big apes up to this day. Which seems evolutionarily preferable. Which is why it's bad.



Not everyone agrees that this kid is an expert about the birds and the bees and the apes.

"I'm pretty sure proponents of evolution stopped using "babies aren't created by God, they are delivered by storks" as an argument against creationism a long time ago. And by a long time ago I mean forever ago. Because that was never a thing. "Have you read Darwin's On the Origin of Magic Monkey Stork Babies?" Know your enemy, crazy little man!"
- Gabe Delahaye, Videogum Senior Editor, baby hater.

Walking the chimp walk, talking the chimp talk

One minute scientists are studying speech disorders in humans, the next minute they're "comparing how a gene critical for language works in humans and chimpanzees" and trying to unravel the mystery of language.

So without primates there'd be no words. And without words there'd be no poetry. So next time you read a good poem, thank your local monkey.

Thanks, Laura, for the tip.

Retro ed videos proof of evolution

Now out on DVD: How To Be A Man, a collection of short educational and instructional videos from the 1940s through the 1970s.

As John Thompson writes in Metro Times, "Looking at these shorts, it's quite obvious men developed from primates."

There's also one for the ladies.

Now go buy them for me, please.

Chick or treat

Well I know what I'm handing out to Trick-or-Treaters this Halloween. Nothing says, "Happy Halloween" like Chick Bible tracts!

"Big Daddy?" is about how evolution isn't true and how anyone who believes in it is a condescending prick and all it takes is a little Biblical wisdom to dismantle scientific knowledge. And then your fellow college classmates ask you to help them get into Heaven. Happens all the time.

I remember getting these in my bag while trick-or-treating when I was a kid. They were the equivalent of getting pennies or Starlite mints. Worse than Smarties, even. But now I think they're kind of cool. They're like little fanatic artifacts. (In fact, I have the"One Way!" tract around my house somewhere. It's a strange story about personal hygiene and "God's love gift"). And I don't care if people give them out at Halloween. After all, if you're going door to door asking people to give you stuff, you can't really control what people give you (which is why the police station scans candy for razor blades).

On the Chick site (and they're called "Chick" tracts because the guy who writes and illustrates them is Jack Chick. Sorry, nothing to do with the ladies) there is a list of "Halloween Chick Tract Usage Ideas," many of which are funny in a sad way. For instance: "Leave Chick tracts at Costume shops." Yes, slip a few into the Naughty Nurse outfits or some packages of Sexy French Maid stockings.

They also suggest you "Hit the streets, shouting, 'Free comic books!' You'll be swarmed with requests." I think there should be more instructions with this suggestion. For example, are they saying to just do this on Halloween or every day? Should you wear a costume? What do you do when the swarm realizes you aren't actually handing out comic books? And "the streets" is a pretty broad term. Do they mean just your street? Maybe a busy street in a public place? Or maybe by "the streets" they mean somewhere rough, like the inner city. If so, how do you deal with panhandlers and crackheads who don't accept tract currency? I don't really feel like the Chick people thought this one through.

Of course, while it's easy to dismiss the tracts marketed to children as harmless propaganda, some of their tracts are really hateful, like the rabidly anti-gay "Doom Town" and "Sin City" or the anti-Muslim "Who Is Allah"?" (one of several tracts created just for black people), the anti-Jew pro-Israel "Somebody Angry?" and the anti-Catholic "Evil Eyes" and "The Death Cookie." The way Chick draws Jews and Arabs, with exaggerated facial features and ugly expressions, is an especially nice touch.

Happy Halloween!

Origins of the Species bonus track edition

I don't know what took me so long to post this. There is no excuse. Darwin=monkeys, obviously.



Via Videogum.

National Ardipithecus Coming Out Day

The Discovery Channel is showing an Ardi special on Oct. 11, which is fitting since Oct. 11 is National Coming Out Day. Ardi is stepping out of the closet to "represent" for evolution. Ardipithecus, holla!

Somebody TiVo this for me, for serious.

Anti-monkeys on the march

FILE UNDER: Are You Fucking Serious?

A Missouri high school band had to relinquish their band t-shirts because the image on the front acknowledged evolution. Presumably the shirts will be piled together and burned along with an effigy of Darwin. Cookies and lemonade afterwards courtesy of the band boosters.

Highlights:

Assistant superintendent Brad Pollitt said the district is required by law to remain neutral where religion is concerned. “If the shirts had said ‘Brass Resurrections’ and had a picture of Jesus on the cross, we would have done the same thing,” he said.

“I don’t think evolution should be associated with our school," said band parent Sherry Melby, who is a teacher in the district.

Nor should the school be associated with brains, apparently.

Suck it, Lucy

It's not you, Lucy, it's Ardi. Don't take it personally.

Sexy gorillas

Gorilla mating habits may "help explain how humans evolved into a mostly monogamous species."

Pro-sex Darwinists: 1
Anti-sex creationists: 0

Thanks, Laura, for the tip.

The original tree huggers

Could it be that Tarzan was based in fact?


Also: here's why chimps are dumb (and I mean "dumb" in a non-offensive Helen Keller kind of way).